Thursday, August 17, 2006

Solar Wind

(Warning – the views expressed here have not been scientifically tested.)

A change is predicted in the solar wind. Something about a backward sunspot, a change in polarity, 11-year cycles, and spectacular Aurora Borealis displays. explains it all in nice, neat scientific terms. Nathan Roberts would appreciate that the sun has its cycles, too.

It’s tempting to fly on the solar wind. It’s so romantic sounding it could melt the tail feathers right off your ass, in which case you’d crash and burn or at least get cited by the FAA for flying around bare-assed, and too, everyone would be able to see that you have a large brown mole on your right butt cheek. So it’s better to use caution when approaching the solar wind.

Roberts has already mapped out polarity issues and cycles, so I won’t go there. Which leaves the Aurora Borealis displays.

Sometime in the next 11 years, make it a point to head to the northern latitudes when the solar wind is blowing strong. Probably waiting a few years until the sun is really whipped up into a frenzy wouldn’t hurt. Stay up all night with a blanket and a lover and pot of coffee. Don’t try this with wine, you’ll get distracted or fall asleep, which would be embarrassing, or you’ll see aliens and will never be taken seriously again. If you don’t have a lover, remember, you have an 11-year window. Don’t bring cheese and crackers. They attract the skunks and bears.

Lay on your back and wait. Remember, this isn’t about flying. Your buttocks should be firmly on the ground. By two or three in the morning, when your toes and buttocks are numb, the northern lights might appear. Lay still and enjoy the show. Resist the urge to talk about flying. When it’s over, make sure you bring those darn cheese and crackers I told you not to bring back into the house. They really do attract the skunks and bears.

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